I'm in need of medicine...

...something strong that'll work real fast.

(no subject)
life = shit

im so ready to go home to the country for a few days...

i so lifted this from Jules
Ten Things.

-List 10 things you want to say to people but know you never will.
-Don't say who they are.
-Screen comments.
-Never discuss it again.

1. I haven't talked to you in over a year. And I'm happy about that and yet it kills me all at the same time. You were the one and only boy I've ever loved. You totally broke my heart and seemed as though you didn't care, and even though I swear up and down I don't care anymore and all this and that and I put on a damn good act. I'm still in love with you. I REALLY dont know why and I don't know how you feel, but I've heard that since we broke up you haven't really had another serious relationship, just get with a girl for ass and then once you're tired of her...drop her and get another one..in some cases the same day. I'll probably never know how you feel...as I'll probably never talk to you again.
and that kills me...but it holds me together all at the same time.

2. I hate you, I really do. I mean I know that deep down I should love you still because I'm supposed too, but even that died along time ago. I don't understand how you can treat me and momma like you do and not give a shit at all. You are the reason I hate myself so much, you are the reason I started cutting myself to start with, you are the reason I do alot of thing bad things I do. And even if you knew the truth...you wouldn't care...you would just worry about how it makes you look. asshole

3. I hope we don't kill each other this year. Generally we get along pretty alright, but then you get in your moods and I wanna say something I really do, butI dont. because you scare me some, but i dont know why. and i think im the better friend. most of the time i drive, and i share like everything i have and i always tell you where im going or what im doing, many times inviting you along, and if nothing else i leave a note. i dont know. i just hope this works out.

4. Well...we have been through alot together. We have had our falling outs and such but now we are closer than ever I think. It still kills me though that we didnt talk for like a year and a half. and to think..all because Sissy started a bunch of shit and most of it wasn't even true. i never slept with him, and i never had any intenetions of doing it either. but you didn't wanna believe me. and even now...when we make plans...and you always bail out...or come up with some excuse, like last weekend. when i came down..borrowed money for gas and everything and then we went to freaking IHOP. i could go to IHOP here. it bothers me when you do that shit. like it bothers me alot and it seems like you dont even care.

5. I know I make things hard sometimes, and I know I act like a bitch alot. but i love you...even though i don't ever say it, and i want you to be proud of me and no matter what i'll always been your baby girl.

6. OH EM EFF GEE!!! I love you! you are so amazing and how cool is it we have the same b-day. it is a sad day you live wayyyyyyyy over there tho. you rawk it hard..and when we go to Mexico it will be the best trip/time..EVER.

7. I still can't believe you did things like you did. I mean I was always there for you. Took you home from school everyday, hung out with you until your mom got offa work so you wouldn' tbe home alone, took you places and did everything like that. Then you just ditched me for a boy..and you're new best friend. Then you wanted to justify it by saying that you'renew best friend got ditched by someone else. like that would make it okay for you to do me like you did. then the thing with the boy didnt even last that long. and you would say and do things thinking i wouldn't find out..but they always got back to me..like the boy from defensive driving. and then once you hung tighter with you're new best friend...you changed. alot and you were no longer the same girl i was best friends with. and it killed me. things are kinda better now I suppose. but i know things will never be the same. and it still hurts me that you did what you did when i was such a loyal friend.

8. What can I say...I've only know you like a week and a half or something, but I think I'm falling for you. The first time I saw you with that lions camp shirt on...i said..i need to befreind that man. and that's what i'm trying to do. you are so sweet and nice. and not to mention pretty hot, i mean i dont know many people that would come down at 11:30 at night to help someone with their calculus quiz, i hope you liked my lame note...and im kinda sad you didnt' call. but i guess that's how things go. i haven't seen you since like thursday and that kinda makes me a sad panda. i hope i have a chance and im not just gonna make an ass outta myself.

9.it's funny. how we were your only friends. then the fakies came in and you really think they are you're friends. when everyone knows they continue to talk shit when you aren't together. that's how they are. but you dont see that and you dont care. you think you are so great bc you go to *U. and when you still try to talk to us...and wanna be a bitch and talk about your fake friends. so bad we wanna say "shut up bitch...we were your friends when you didn't have any" and you are about thisclose to fucking that up too.

10.i hate how..you wanna be my best friend for a while, and then not talk to me for like a month or something and then when you finally decide to pull your head outta your ass you wanna get mad that im mad. you have to be the most immature 20 year old i ever met. i dont see why i keep trying but i do. *sigh*

(no subject)
stolen from libertine_lux

1. You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first and last name.
-um. pxqr8450 taco Lawerence (pronounced Daisy Roxanne Lawerence) :)

2. You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead.
-Carey Hart and George Clooney

3. You are in charge of naming your new band. What's the name of the band?
-Beautiful Nightmare

4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What is it and where do you want it?
-this on my lower back..yes...a tramp stamp

5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it?
-KISS ME IN THE DARK!!!! -Randy Rogers Band

6. You are leaving your state/province. What state/province do you move to?
i aint moving no where. i love TEXAS

7. You are leaving your country, where would you move to?

8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose?
-The Kurt Cobain journals!

9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made.

10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?
-Bird: swallow
-Insect: i dont know..something cool that flys
-Mammal: llama

11. You must relive one year of your life. Which would you like to relive?
-like a couple years ago..wehn i was with Justin

12. Which would you least like to relive?
-sophomore year

13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit?
-THE EIGHTIES!!!! im all about everything the 80's

14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving.

15. You get to return to the past and have a sexual encounter with a celebrity who is no longer alive. Who do you pick?
-Kurt Cobain

16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on?
um. shop til you drop...or something else that was on that same channel. id ont remember what it was called though.
being on the price is right would be pretty awesome too tho, escipally if you got to play PLINKO!

17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose?
-the juvinelle diabetes research foundation

18. You must ban two words, all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What words do you ban?
-um. i would have to think and that would take effort...so can i get back to you on that one?

19. You can have 100 million dollars tax free but if you take it, you'll die at the age of fifty. Do you take it?
yeah. bc i plan on being dead by 25 anyhow

where do you go when you're lonely
so..let's see. 18 came and went. i got a new tattoo and i pierced my nose...i wanted my lip..but got talked outta that. I moved to College Station..am still working on finding my way around and i've started school

im taking

intro to ag eco
intro to sociology
FBI (business seminar)
business calculus (DIE!!!!!)
bowling (at 8 in the freaking AM)
political science

and yeah i think that's it. all the classes are great...except biz cal. like i was in class crying..bc i didnt know how to do it
and then i came outta heldenfelds cussing and ppl looked at me crazi..but ya' know what..fuck them and REALLY fuck math

im in this awful mood lately..and im having terrible mood swings..like ill be okay one minute..then ill be angry..then i'll just get in bed and cry.
and i hate it
maybei should get back on pills but i dont want too

also im tired of sleeping around and fuck buddy this and fuck buddy that. i just want a boyfriend. someone to make me feel special

im sick of being that one girl that's just left holding the purses. i want someone to prove me wrong about love.

like the other night after the KF concert..when i was driving back i cried..all the way from Marlin to like Bryan. it was ridiculous
and ive cried so much today and i know it'll cry myself to sleep

even tho i say all this..i know i'll keep sleeping around..bc even tho it's bad and it makes me feel worse...i need it..bc i need that attention..even if it's just for a minute.
ive never really had attention..and i need it.
i just want to feel wanted and like im something

dont play with me...my paper heart will bleed. i love those lyrics

--and everyone knows...im in...over my head----

i'm not dead
quick update

moving in 9 days
turning 18 in 12 days
1 new cut since the go round with shitbrick...says "defect" on my leg
had a wreck in the mall parking lot
stell didn't care about me..he just cared about his insurance
jules is amazing
cari is 19 tomorrow and im taking her to eat
Weston did my hair again
i think a friendship was runined over a sexual act..and it makes me sad
i think i have staph again
i love chevelle.
i made a new friend
i'm gonna be a whore in the CS
i'm gonna miss the shit outta J. Kroll when I leave (our last outing will be saturday :(...if i can get away)
Kristyn has kinda fallen away
me and Emily have gotten closer
i hope symone and I dont hate each other once we live togeher

the end

do it bitches!
Name 12 fictional characters you would have sex with (in no particular order) and tag five people to do the same.

1. Captian Jack Sparrow (pirates of the caribbean)
2. John Smith (Mr. and Mrs. Smith)
3. Danny Ocean (Ocean's 11)
4. Donnie Darko (Donnie Darko)
5. Richard Gecko(From Dusk Til Dawn)
6. The Rubber Duck (Convoy)
7. Bob (SLC Punk!)
8. Alexander 'Alex' de Large (A Clockwork Orange)
9. Craig (Degrassi)
10. Rocky (The Rocky Horror Picture Show
11. BO DUKE!!! (The Dukes of Hazzard)
12. Stevo (SLC Punk!)

and i tag the following!

joaniebaloney: Joanie
xdiexdarlingx: Kiki

NYC gave me a rash!
so kids...i'm back from the big city..THANK GOD!!!! i mean don't get me wrong..i had a good time. but a series of unfortunate misshaps made me miss home SO bad.

like for instance..the fact there everyone there walks with such purpose. like i mean..they basically effing jog. like i dont think these people have ever had a slow leasiruely stroll in their lives. and i think if they tried it they would fall over or something.

and our tour guide always referred to the entire city of New York as "we". and I was like WTF? honestly. she also had this gay lil annoying dog. his name was jack and he had a pony tail...and his bark sounded like he was choking. it was no bueno for sure.

In Chinatown me and J. Kroll were just walking down the street and there was this woman that was like "big ass tourist" and i was like wtf..BITCH!!! that's why her hair was orange. and if it wasn't for my big ass tourist self she wouldn't have a fucking economy. also..speaking on rude people. we went in this store called Bergdorf Goodman..where everything is hella expensive. like it makes SAKS 5th Ave. look like a pennys or something. but anyhow...when we went in there..we got some of those most hateful looks ive ever gotten in my whole life. like they were so bad i actually cried. yes...badass me...cried. so you know they had to be hateful as fuck.

we encoutered alot of gay people..because we happened to be there durning gay pride week. go figure right. there was this one guy we encountered in the elevator whose top was wayyyyyyyyy to big for his bottom and i giggled every time i seen him. our hotel sucked ass though. like it's for real the sister of the motel 6 so poop. it was right down the street from Jesus's show (The Color Purple) haha. ya know..because oprah thinks she is Jesus and all.

then there was this chick that was like4 of me. that had on a bikini looking thing and a holster cup thing to make her look like she had junk to protect. i guess she was the dyke of the realtionship..but either way..it scared me...alot.

there was this strange guy that came up tome and J. Kroll on the street and was like did ya'll go to Tennesse for the Greatful Dead concert..well they aren't the greatful dead anymore..just the dead....and we were kinda like um...he scared me some. bc justin wouldn't just take the effing 6 train uptown. i mean really.

um. we went and seen some shows. like Tarzan and the guy that played tarzan was fucking hot. and we seen Chicago..and i didn't understand why they were half naked. but i could see the guys business..too bad they were probably all gay. we seen the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee and it was extra funny. (in later years i came to appericate my erection..as did many others) haha oh and (leaf coneybear...has...cats.) :) but my fav was Rent. It rawked my socks hardcore like woah!!! :) and i got a rent tote. be jealous.

i got like 22457204 purses. and some of them are real..so that means they are stolen. yes!!!!! haha. i got two louies, 1 coach and a wallet to match, 1 prada, 1 gucci and I think that might be all. i also got some "tiffanys" earrings. so im gonna look rich as hell. woo hoo

i got to see the NAKED COWBOY and that made my year. got pics with him and everything. it's amzing like woah! also we encountered the coolest doorman EVER at FAO Schwartz. like that was the day we wore our Dr. Pepper shirts..and like we walk up and he starts singing soemthing about dr. pepper. and then he was like wait..i dont' know the words. haha..so we go into the store and we play on the BIG PIANO!!!!!!!!! yes..like the one from the movie big. it was AWESOME!!!!! and then there was this guy that worked there and he was like you two have the two best shirts ive seen all day! (also we wore our HOWDY FROM TEXAS! pins like everyday) yay and then like when we were leaving....the doorman guy was like sitting int his courtyard in front of the store and he sees us and he's like DR. PEPPER!!! and waves real big. it was cool. we got pics with him. :)

but anyhow..the unfortunate stuff...my eye got fucked up..and i got staph again and I have a rash. once i got home i went to the doctor. and i have staph in like 12 places. no joke and they hurt so bad! and my eye is a clogged oil gland and i got some drops and pills. hopefully they will work..because if they dont the dr. will have to lance it..which..that means needle..in.,.my...eye. and that would be no bueno. i haven't had my rash checked out yet. :( but also like everytime i change my site for my pump i get a new staph spot. so that's not good at all. gonna have to call dr. bryant tomorrow and see what to do. i mean he's probbaly gonna be mad i never went to that social worker but oh fucking well. he can cram it.

so..today i was supposed to go to this dinner thing right with stell and momma and the shooks and all right. so i get chagned adn ready to go and everything. and stell is like what are you gonna do..and i was like i thought i was going. and he was like no. so i got uninvited. after when they got back. momma told me that everyone was asking where i was. stell is sucha bitch.

monday i had an interview at the pennys. and as soon as my background check comes back ill be working in the jouniors department. i also had an interview at the HEB that afternoon as well. i haven't heard anything from that yet though.

Weston is gonna do a play. the Wizard of Oz. I hope everything works out good. i get to be the behind the secnes kinda person. yay i think.

i had this dream about Cody night before last. and it was so real..and so vivid and it makes me so sad i cant get ahold of him. like he left his house. so i called yesterday and i was like i know Cody left..but do you have a number or something where i could ge tahold of him? and his dad said no..that he had moved around two or three times since he left and he didn't even know where he was. so i just told him that if he seen him to tell him i was looking for him. i think im gonna call in the middle of the day some day and try and get ahold of Tanner and see if i can get the story from him and like maybe get the number of Adam or somebody like that that he hangs tight with. or maybe even the place where he works..i dont know..i just have this great urge to talk to him. i dont know how things are anymore. and it kills me. :(

there is probably more..but my eye is bothering me and stuff and yeah...so if i think of anything else ill leave it here

leave some love bitches!

boys are dumb
okay. so this is going to be a rant about boys.

okay...don't you just hate it when guys are all like...oh em eff gee...i don't just want sex i really care about you and I really want a relationship and you are beautiful and blah blah fucking blah.

however, every time you hang out with them..that's what they wanna do..mess around...and you tell them to stop..and they don't get the point. and then they get all huffy when you move to the other side of the room, or burn them with your cigarette or something. ya' know?

or like..let's say for instance..one time..you give in..and you do have sex with them..evem tho you said no to start with and blah blah blah...well anyhow..then the next time ya'll are together and you say NO! and you actually mean it this time..they get all huffy and butt hurt again. and you are like well i effing told your dumb ass it wasn't happening. and then they are like well last time you did. and then you have to remind them that this is this time..not last time.

and then like the next day or something they wanna be all like. oh i'm different from other guys i don't just want sex..and you are like..you gotta be fucking kidding me right?

and this ends this rant (for now at least). and boys irritate me..and gr.

i have a headache

im not dead..i promise
so..i know it's been like 264548 years since i have updated this..sorry..but i play on myspace more
check it if you get the chance

so...things have come and gone. and I finally graduated! it's so surreal. it seems like just last week i was a dumb fish who couldn't figure out how to open my locker and crushing on the cute senior i didn't have a chance in hell with. but last night..i was a senior. 13 long years came to an end. i sat on the front row with the honor grads with my salutatorian medal shining. i walked the stage, got my handshake and dipolma. gave a sentimental closing. i didn't even cry. i feel as though i should have..but i didn't. just as soon as we got outside i flipped my class ring around. to symbolize the end.
after we walked out and were all standing outside. it was crazi..talking and hugging people i never talked too, and those that are my best friends. and in a single instant i realzied this would be the last time i would see some of these people. that it was the last time we would all be together, the last time we would be recoginzied as the Class of 2006. I just can't believe that that chapter of my life is over, and I am standing on the threshold of a whole new world.
I am so excited and yet I am scared to death!

I mean I'm not going to know everyone I go to school with anymore. I will only know Symone and Will.
I'm not going to be Rachel anymore. I will be my UIN
I'm not going to be top dawg on campus anymore.
People won't be afraid of me and know Im a real badass
it's almost like i have to find myself again, and that scares me. alot
i feel as though i am getting thrown into the shark pit.

Time is the single-most constant thing in the life of man.

Seasons come and go, and as they come and go, we age in periods of time: seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years.

Important events in our life are mapped out, and made into landmarks on the map of the amount of time we've spent alive.

Four years of seasons and events is a long amount and measure of time. In four years, I have grown up to be a little bit more mature than I used to be, though some will disagree.

Four years...

Four years of joy.
Four years of laughs.
Four years of school, growing from a freshmanto a senior with the strength to do anything.
Four years of sorrows over things in life that cause us pain and frustration: arguments, disappointing grades, lack of success.
Four years of passing crushes and lost loves.

Four years of my life, with all the contents to make a seperate memoir.

Four astounding, amazing years...of high school.

Four years completed last night.

Time is the single-most constant thing in the life of man...because it goes on forever, even when we stop living.

Congratulations to the graduating Class of 2006. Our four years of glory are over.

Now step forward with the flow of time, and let us continue to pave the maps of time that symbolize our lives.

And tonight will go on forever while we walk around this town like we own the streets... and stay awake through summer like we own the heat. Singing everybody wake up WAKE UP it's time to get down!!! And when I pass the bottle back to pete on the over pass tonight, I bet we laugh.
I'm gonna stay 18 forever. ( i know im not 18..but it fits) So it can stay like this forever. And we'll never miss a party.. cuz we keep them goin constantly. And we'll never have to listen.. to anyone about anything. Cuz it's all been done, and it's all been said... we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

go figure
Your 2005 Song Is

Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating"

In 2005, you bummed everyone out. Like you care.


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