- December 1st, 2006
1. I can't stress this enough, just because we're moaning does NOT mean you're doing a good job.
2. Intercourse and oral are fabulous and are very much preferred methods of sexual interaction but if you're going to use your hands PLEASE be sure you know what you're doing. Flailing around aimlessly does not get the job done. Sorry boys. Oh, and please cut your nails.
3. There's a difference between being assertive and being an asshole. Your dick isn't made of gold, buddy. Get over yourself. If you're a jerk we WILL seek sexual gratification elsewhere.
4. We hate games and those who play them as much as you do. If we're playing games it's because A) we have no idea what your feelings are towards us because you haven't told us yet or B) you're playing games too.
5. Don't player hate. If you can screw some chick you met at a bar and the last time you ever speak to her is the morning after, then we are entitled to do the same. Fuck that double-standard bullshit. We crave sex just as much as the next guy.
6. Like you, we also have multiple prospects in mind at all times (unless we're in a serious relationship, then it’s limited to just one or two).
7. Just because I hooked up with your friend (or more than one person that you know of) does NOT mean you have a chance. Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
8. There is nothing hotter in the world than a guy who smells good. Case closed.
9. Don't get mad when you buy us a drink and we don't talk to you all night, give you our phone numbers, or go home with you. If we really like you, no alcohol is necessary (although it is by no means discouraged).
10. Women are indecisive creatures because we actually think things through and take other people into consideration. Accept it. Make a decision and if we don't like it, we'll let you know. Don't make us pick. We hate it.
11. Our boobs are God's gift to you but please remember that they are attached to our bodies. How would you like it if we twisted your balls?
12. The number one thing that makes you fuckable to almost every female on this planet: playing the guitar. It's just a fact.
13. Extreme jealousy is the ultimate turn off. We like it when you get upset that a good-looking guy talks to us. What we don't like is you trying to control us. We don't have to tell you where we are 24/7 and if we want to go out clubbing without you, we will. Suck it up.
14. The more you remind us that you think we're beautiful and that you love us, the happier we are. The happier we are, the less bitching we do. The less bitching we do, the happier you are. Get it?
15. We kiss. We tell. If your dick is small or you're bad in bed, we never talk to you again. Then, we tell everyone we know so they don't have the misfortune of finding out for themselves. Be careful who you fuck over. As you know, girls talk...a lot...about EVERYTHING.
16. If you haven't checked out our boobs, legs, or asses within 15 minutes of us having started our converstation then we'll assume you're gay and flirt with your friends. This does not mean you are entitled to any touching nor does it mean that you can stare at our breasts nonstop.
17. Hair anywhere besides your head, face, arms, and legs is not hot. Minimal chest hair is fine. Back hair is disgusting. If you're a hairy dude, don't expect to get much play. If you refuse to shave your face upon request then don't get mad if we don't shave our legs. Karma is a bitch.
18. If you have a strand of hair longer than ours, chances are you're not getting any. If we wanted a girl, we wouldn't be talking to you.
19. If you dated one of our friends and she broke up with you, wait a minimum of 6 days before showing interest in us. If you broke up with her, it's either 6 months or never (depending on how bad the break-up was).
20. We are allowed to have a guy friend without being attracted to him. If you don't like him, that's fine but don't you dare tell us that we can't hang out with who we want to hang out with and expect there do be no problems. Also keep in mind that if you're allowed to hang out with girls without us there, then we are allowed to hang out with guys without you there. It's been said before, the double standard is bullshit.
21. If you are trying to pick up girls downtown, don’t bring along other girls. We'll assume that you're taken and not speak to you the entire night. Groups of 3 guys or more are preferrable.
22. We don't like to watch you play video games. There are two kind of girls in this world: those who play video games and those who don't. Either way, we don't want to sit there and be spectators.
23. If you think another girl is hot, keep it to yourself. We don't care.
24. The wait-three-days-before-you-call-her rule is the dumbest rule ever thought up. To us, no call = no interest and we will be shacking it up with your roommate instead. The truth hurts.
25. We like to shop. If you decide to come shopping with us, please don't complain. Its annoying.
26. Foreplay is not an option. It is a prerequisite. Seriously.
27. Putting things in our butt does not turn us on. If we want it, we'll ask for it. Otherwise, stay away. For most of us THIS IS AN EXIT ONLY!
28. Boxers and boxer briefs are good. Whitey tighties are NEVER ok.
29. If we are on our period or have not previously shaven, we are not having sex with you. We don't care how horny you are (this does not hold true if you are in a serious relationship).
30. The silent treatment, one word answers, dirty looks, pursed/tightened lips, limited or no eye contact and shoulder shrugs all mean "I am mad at you". Proceed with caution because you did something very, very wrong.
31. We aren't stupid. We can tell the second we meet you if you're a player or not. If you're not, don't pretend you are because it's really pathetic. If you are, don't pretend you aren't because we can tell and it usually doesn't effect if we want to have sex with you or not. No lie.
32. We WILL claim your stuff. If it stays in our room overnight and it doesn't leave with you in the morning, it's ours. If we stay in your room overnight and it leaves with us in the morning, it's ours. It's an unwritten rule.
33. DO NOT ask us for a blowjob unless we are dating. This is the ultimate way to make us think you are an asshole not worth talking to anymore. If we wanted to give you a blowjob, we'd be down there already. Want to know how to get a blowjob without asking? Go down on us first. Yeah...it's like that.
34. Any guy can be replaced. Remember that no matter how perfect you seem, there's always a girl somewhere that can attest to you being an asshole. Always.
35. When we're watching our t.v. show, please refrain from smartass comments. If you have anything to say, say it during the commercials. If you get Sunday night football, we get Grey's Anatomy on Thursday at 9. Live with it.
36. There is nothing worse than a guy who can't tell you're not into him. Please don't make us be bitches for you to finally get it. If we don't call you, we don't like you. If we're constantly looking around instead of at you when we talk, we don't like you. If we don't laugh reasonably hard when you crack a joke, we don't like you. If we don't sit close to you when we get a chance to sit next to you, we don't like you. If we spend all night making trips to the bathroom to get away from you, we don't like you. Take the fucking hint!
37. We can argue for days. Don't start with us. You won't win.
38. Please brush your teeth before you meet up with us. We don't care how hot you are and how good of a kisser you are, nasty breath is never seductive.
39. No matter how we say it, "No" means "No". If we say "No", please stop. If we like it, we'll ask you why you stopped. If we don't like it, we'll just be thankful you respected us. Respect is one thing you should always show us if you care about us.
40. NEVER, by any means unless you want to die a long and painful death, should you EVER tell a woman you love her unless you truly mean it. Trying to get a woman into bed with you under false pretenses is the lowest low anyone can ever stoop to and you WILL have problems getting laid in the future. That's not a threat, it's a promise.